Happy birthday Papa, I miss you

Happy Birthday Papa.

Suddenly this November 8^th feels very different. There has been a vast vacuum in my life for the last 5 months and I know that This November 8^th is never going to be like all the November 8’s that have gone by. It is your birthday, Papa. And I know I won’t be able to call and wish you. You haven’t answered my phone call and I know you never will. It has also been so long I heard you calling out my name... I miss you Papa.

Papa.. I was your little fairy and you doted on me. I was your only child and you spoilt me ... with your love. I remember all the pillow fights we had, pulling your hair, playing with your moustache, pinching your chubby cheeks. I loved those  gifts that you bought for me, on every birthday and even before I would wake up, you would keep it next to me and plant a kiss on my cheek, lift me up and give me that hug. That hug is what I miss today, and it is definitely not the only thing I miss.

Every year, holidays would mean only one thing. TRAVEL. How you took me all over the country... booked tickets, meticulously mapped the travel and made sure we had fun. How in those days in spite of all the hardships, you would save the required funds to make sure you took us somewhere, every year, year after year.  You deserve a medal for being such a sport.

Sports!!! Wasn’t that another interest of yours!??? How you went around places, representing your organisation, won trophies and rewards. Your passion for cricket... You would suddenly get so religious and superstitious when your country was playing. Remember you wouldn’t allow Mom to get up from her chair, cause you thought every time she got up, there was someone getting out!!

How you encouraged me into sports, and when I took to it, I know how happy you were. I cherish those post dinner 9.00p.m to 10.00p.m table tennis practise sessions that you and I had. I recall those early mornings where we would play badminton, not to forget how you would wake up as early as 5’o clock, to prepare that egg omelette when I got into formal training. You were my partner, coach, mentor and everything. You slept with that piece of newspaper below your headrest for months and years which had my little snapshot for winning a trophy and even later continued to treasure it. And now I only get to treasure your memories Papa. Nothing seems more important than you.

There are so many things about you which I understand now. What I thought then, as your behaviour of overdoing is something I appreciate you today for being a person who was so selfless. I so well remember the gentleman in our apartment, who Mom and I were not very appreciative of, was for a period trying to be overly pleasant with you. And at a time of his unwell, you requested Mom to cook food for him which mom flatly refused and then you requested me and saw the same response. I wonder how you could give up on your food for those 3 days, give him your share of breakfast and lunch and without any noise go and have a meal outside. Back then I was mad at you for this, but today, I admire the heart of gold that you were blessed with.

However, I remember you were so firm when it came to other matters of growing up. You were very stern with me otherwise.

You were my silent inspiration; it’s amazing how you influenced me with all your ethics. If today, I cannot tolerate lies and appreciate honesty and simplicity in ways of life, it is because of you. I remember how scared I was to tell you that I wasted an entire sheet of craft paper in school and I was falling short of one for the next day. I sat there crying, and you asked me what the matter was, and when I was honest enough in telling you of the same, you calmly told me not to worry and you would buy me another one. Another incident where my gold ring went down the drain of the bathroom and I was so nervous of stepping out of the bathroom. I gathered my nerves and informed you and surprisingly all you said was ‘It’s ok’.

And why am I writing all this!? It’s simply because I want to tell you what being your daughter has meant to me. It will never be possible to write or say how much you loved me, because love of parents to their children is beyond measure. It’s not fair to assess it either.

God blessed you with your dream, like all children are the dream of their parents. But you dint know, that I was blessed with you as my dad even before I was born. 

I know the time and the years you were there, you enjoyed and had a good life... worked hard and honestly to have that good and simple life. You gave more than 100% of yourself to anything that you believed in. You were an achiever. You wanted something, you would go after it, in fair ways and gain it.

You and Mum hid the fact of your illness from me because I was still carrying my baby, my dream within me. You were probably right in your way as parents, but did you ever think what your baby would do without you?? You and mom struggled through the tough times, without giving me a hint and made sure nothing came in the way of my progress. You, I know, were seeing dangerous days ahead, but forced your way to be by my side... flew to another country inspite of all odds, to be by my side and see your grandchild. I wonder where Mum and You got the strength from to support each other. Dad, if I could have done anything to take the pain away from you, I would. But all I could do was to be by you. You went through the surgery with such a positive approach and got out of it. You were fighting physically and mentally to get back to your normal self and you were approaching it. You were a fighter through and through. I know you wanted to live life, like you had all these years. Your dream was to see Anmol grow up, play and mature into a fine handsome man. Inspite of your unwell, I remember your ways of playing and entertaining him. You waited for 7 years to see your grandchild, and he saw you for 7 months. You have no clue how happy and excited he gets when he sees your photograph and talks to you as if there is a conversation ... I believe there is a magical connect between the two of you and I hope it stays on.

God at the end was merciless. Perhaps the reason why my intense belief in God, the supernatural is all washed out today. He deprived me of you, my parent, my Dad, your love and presence. And more than anything silently watched a genuine and a total god-fearing person go through pain and frustration.

Now, With you, a big chunk of me has gone. It will never come back. You are the reason for my being and today I cannot continue the way I have been all these years without you. There are these horrible waves of grief that strike me and the feeling of helplessness of how we tried everything for you, but nothing worked in our favour engulfs me. Blessed, weren’t we, to have a family who stood like pillars through our rough spells?

I am proud of you dad, Yes... I do miss you, every second, today, every day and will forever. Proud, because you were selfless, easy, honest, hardworking, and so much more than what I can say. I, today am like the rocks along the shore. Those horrible waves of pain keep hitting me and I stay soaked in it. The rocks never complain, they just get used to the waves striking them every so often. They get used to it.

What is worse is that each time, my friends say ‘I am missing my dad’, or ‘My dad bought me this’ or even when they complain about their dads, it hits me so hard. Because I know it’s not the same with me anymore. Parents indisputably are the best gifts Children are rewarded with. Unfortunately, more often we realise this late. I have understood that it is very important to tell your parents how much you love them. Even when I was 30, I would sleep next to Mum and you, and you would sing songs for me, pamper me, pretend to put me to sleep and I would pretend to fall asleep. But, I wished I had not had those bitter words with you at times. Those bitter flashes are butchering me. And now I realise how wrong it is for us, your children, for who you sweat and toil your entire life, giving up on all your pleasures for those little happiness of ours, to battle out for our tiny egos. 

I wish there was an option of getting you back and giving up on everything else I have. I still know I would have everything, because you are my everything... You and Mum.

All I can do right now, Papa, is be the person you wanted me to be, try to make you proud of me. And I promise I will make all your dreams for Anmol come true. And about Mum, be sure I am there.

Love you and Miss you forever.

Happy birthday Papa.

Yours forever, Divya